Thank you for your story and for your questions.
No question is too personal. I can always choose not to answer.
Many of the answers are in my book, and thanks for the opportunity to promote FINALLY OUT: LETTING GO OF LIVING STRAIGHT. My life is an open book. Your questions--that I could find no answers for--are what motivated me to write it.
I will actually use your question to write a follow-up article, but let me answer them briefly here:
The mind has a powerful capacity to deny what it is not ready to see, so although I didn't have "an inkling" before my revelation, I had also ignored a lot of clues along the way.
Addictions is one of the ways men unfortunately deal with their fears about coming out.
I was born in 1943, am 77-years-old now. It was such a different era when I was growing up. I had no reference point for living as a gay man. No role models existed.
Even through medical school, homosexuality (as everyone called it then) was shameful, dirty and perverse.
After I came out, I realized that I had missed many, many clues along the way. I think when I open my mind to the possibility of an affair, I also opened my mind to a deeper sexuality I had never allowed myself to explore.
I'm happy to say we're now one big family, and you can read about that in my essay, "I love my wife and I love my husband." It wasn't easy but a deeper love and forgiveness were the keys.
Thanks for such a thoughtful response to this essay.