LGBTQIA

Is My Husband Gay?

Women search for “Is my husband gay” more than for “Is my husband having an affair?”

Loren A Olson MD
7 min readApr 25, 2020

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Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Sexual infidelity is often considered the ultimate betrayal; it disrupts ongoing, meaningful relationships.

When a heterosexual couple experiences infidelity and the offense is committed with someone of the same sex, it turns worlds upside down.

All relationships have rules. We expect that our partners will keep our interests in mind even when potential rewards tempt them to break the rules.

Infidelity occurs in the context of both heterosexual and same-sex relationships, although expectations may be different. In either case, when expectations are violated, the wrongdoer will have to account for his or her behavior.

Things suddenly shifted inside my head, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I am gay.

As I wrote in Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I know something about breaking rules. I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in love with a man.

There was no other way to explain what I was feeling. Until shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflicts about sexual orientation.

“Kevin” is a man in his mid-fifties, married, with two children, one of whom is handicapped. His wife suspected Kevin’s interest in men, and she began to search for clues of his deception. She found his online user name and password for a gay chat room.

She then began to send him emails as if she were a man interested in a “hook up.” Not knowing the messages were actually from his wife, Kevin arranged to meet “him” for coffee, and blowing up Kevin’s secret life.

Universal clues to infidelity

One gay man confronted his partner, saying, “Do you have a boyfriend? You’re no longer present here with me in this relationship.”

Spouses often become suspicious of their partner’s infidelity because the partners give off rather universal clues:

  • Something is disrupting the normal day-to-day functioning of their relationship.

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Loren A Olson MD

Gay father; Psychiatrist; Award-winning author FINALLY OUT. Chapter excerpt here: http://bit.ly/2EyhXTY Top writer on Medium. Not medical advice.