But that is the point of the essay.
I didn't want to be gay, so I unconsciously designed it to be disappointing. As I wrote, "Well, now I’ve done that. Rather disappointing. Not what I’d imagined. I must not be gay."
That was the evidence I sought. It allowed me to return to the hetero-normative life I'd created for myself. I wasn't ready to sacrifice that.
As I feared, all of that changed when I later fell in love with a man, a young, attractive man who blew my socks off. At that time, I had to confront all the feelings I didn't have with my first experience.
I've been with my husband now for 33 years. We met long before the 21st Century.